Book One: Downfall

 

Chapter 1: Disconnect

The biggest challenge I have always faced is the sheer disconnect between my world and your world. Some of you can understand bits and pieces of my world, but I have found nobody else that understands everything I go through. 

Some people (usually neurotypicals) don't believe a word that comes out of my mouth because my world (the way that I experience this life) doesn't match up with their world in any way that they can see. But why would my experiences match theirs? We're not siblings or even family. So we didn't grow up in the same house; didn't attend the same school or church; didn't see the same doctor; don't have the same diagnoses; don't think about the same things; don't think in the same manner; don't have the same academic records; don't have the same hobbies or interests; don't have the same subcultural backgrounds; etc.

Some people may have 1 or 2 common diagnoses and can relate to a small degree. Often they try to view my world through tinted glasses that cannot view the entirety of my world. Disagreements are common with this group. 

A few people may have four or more common diagnoses. This group can find some more common ground with me and talk intelligently about things we experience in the same way. 

The disconnect is complicated by just the sheer number of diagnoses and how they affect me in particular as well as me being imprisoned in my own personal subculture. None of my diagnoses are textbook, so I often fall through the cracks in mental health, etc. Most of my interests are out of the ordinary. I prefer intelligent conversations with a purpose, which puts me at odds with the people around me who want to make everyone and everything conform to their view on things. I don't agree and I refuse to be like them. I don't argue about it, but they exclude me in most things because of this. As an example many people enjoy comedies on TV or film; but I just can't stand them. 

Diagnoses: 

Neurodiversities: 

Official:
autism spectrum disorder
Adhd
 
Unofficial:
Dyslexia
Sensory processing disorder

Misc Diagnoses:

Unofficial:
ARFID
Alexithymia
Visual snow

Mental illnesses:
Bipolar 1
Major depression
Persistent depression
(These tend to take turns)
General anxiety
Social anxiety
OCD with tons of intrusive thoughts
CPTSD
Somatoform disorder
Hallucinations
Depersonalization/Derealization (dpdr)
My episodes (just recently I renamed them psychoneurosomatic episodes or PsyNS episodes)
Panic attacks
Phobias

Neurological:
Complex migraines
Non epileptic seizures

Physical:
IBS
GERD
Insomnia
Circadian rhythm disorder
Arthritis
Achilles tendinitis
Tendinitis left elbow
Heart murmur
Neck and back pain
Bilateral carpal tunnel
Fatty liver
High blood pressure
High triglycerides
They say I don’t have enough good cholesterol, but my overall cholesterol number is good
Diabetes type 2 (goes back and forth depending on my weight at a certain weight my A1C scores in the normal range)

Misc:
Arched toes
Walk with feet pointed out
Often walk on balls of feet or toe to heel
Eye pain
Other miscellaneous pains

I don't fit well into any Subcultures that I have been exposed to: academia (mostly through self education of linguistics); sports (I tried doing a couple sports, but don't have the proper physique or adequate knowledge to do anything more than have a little fun); church; pop culture (the TV shows, movies, and music that most people seem to be familiar with. They just don't interest me.), etc.

People tend to make analogies to topics that are familiar to them. I hate that, because I can only understand a few of them and often I have no clue what they mean. And they get extremely upset if I don't immediately understand them. How am I supposed to understand things that are completely foreign to me? Everyday English feels like a foreign language to me, and it's my mother tongue. For me communication in any form is extremely difficult. To get something from my mind and be able to speak or write words that others can understand, feels like I'm climbing up one side of Mount Everest and down another side to get the words out. To listen to the words someone says to me and translate them into concepts that I can understand, is going up and down Mount Everest again. Writing is easier as I can take my time and edit myself if necessary.