Book I: Downfall
Chapter Two: Childhood Inner Discoveries
Consider the life of a six year old. (For me that was the mid 80s.) Some people had Atari. Nintendo nes came became popular a couple years later.) What activities do you observe in children of this age? Of course playing games of various kinds and imaginative play. Also they develop relationships with family members and form friendships with their peers. They are learning to read and write; draw and create art; differentiate their preferences; etc. They watch TV, especially programs for children and cartoons. And these days it seems like most children are addicted to video games.
I attempted to do all of these things, but had limited success. Slowly I came to realize that I was fundamentally different from everyone that I knew or encountered. I knew that I was depressed and that I had tons of stress before I ever learned those words. I also experienced intrusive thoughts and I didn't learn that term until decades later.
I knew that I shouldn't feel sad, worthless, and hopeless all the time. I knew that I shouldn't feel like I was better off dead every day. I knew that I shouldn't be stressed already at that age. I knew there were also other things going on that were even deeper within me. I also knew that there was a set of rules that everyone expected me to follow, but nobody would ever tell me what those rules were. I couldn't find them written in a book either. To me it felt like two sets of laws: laws made by the government and laws made by society.
At that time there was such a stigma around anything that was different than normal. People who had differences in any way were treated differently from everyone else intentionally or unconsciously, often both. I couldn't share my torment with anyone. There was nobody I could trust with these secrets. And the overwhelming views of being different at the time were that it was the individual's fault for being different (at least that was my understanding as a 6 year old).
Even though I kept my secrets for 30 years, most people understood that I was extremely different from everyone else. I talk differently than others; I act differently from others; I think differently from others. Because of this I was bullied and have been bullied all of my life in every environment: home, relatives houses, school, church, work, online communities.
The bullying actually caused all of my mental illnesses. It also changed me at my core. As a young child I was extremely emotional. I was sad most of the time and cried frequently. Over time my emotions became suppressed in order to reduce being targeted by the bullies. It didn't work.
At the time the school counselor told me that the bullies were wrong but that they wouldn't change, so I had to change. Basically she was saying it was my fault that the bullies mistreated me. I would end up shutting down each time they hurt me. There was nothing else that I could do.
High school was worse. The vice principal never believed me ever. I stopped reporting bullying incidents in junior high as it didn't make things any better. In high school an incident would occur and I tried to go about my day. But I would get called into the office each time. The bully of the day would already be there with a friend or two telling the vice principal whatever lies they wanted. The vice principal would yell at me and threaten to suspend me when I had done nothing wrong. (Decades later I postulated that the vice principal was most likely friends with the parents of the bullies.)
The worst incident occurred junior year. I was in chemistry class and the teacher had brought in liquid nitrogen that day. He had poured small amounts of liquid nitrogen into foam cups and he taught us.
Later the teacher verified that everyone was wearing pants before proceeding. He told us to push our chairs back from the lab tables and keep our arms straight down to the sides. Then he poured a small amount of liquid nitrogen onto each lab table in turn. It flowed over the lab tables and spilled off the edges. Some of it fell on everyone's pants and went down to the floor. It gave us a brief cold sensation for maybe a minute.
Afterwards one of the bullies had been pouring some liquid nitrogen from one foam cup to another. Then all of a sudden, he poured out the cup of liquid nitrogen onto my head. Freezing cold that I can't accurately describe. I slowly raised my hand and told the teacher what happened. We were sent to the office. I had alternating sensations of hot and cold for at least 2 hours.
The teacher called my dad and explained the situation in scientific terms knowing that he wouldn't understand. He recommended that I stay in the office for observation but I didn't need to see a doctor. I was 17 so I had no choice in the matter.